Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Back to the grind

Back to work. Back to school.  Back to the same old same old.  Normally, I would be thanking my lucky stars that the kids are back to school after a long weekend off so I can get back to my "routine".  However, on the way home from a great Memorial Day celebration at my mom's I realized I am definitely looking forward to getting out of my routine! Gasp! Did I just type that I wanted out of my routine? Oh, the horror!  Yes, even I, who thrives on schedules needs a change, pronto.  In the last couple of months (probably closer to a year if I am going to be completely honest here) I have been feeling really down and out of sorts.  More so than any other time in my life (and there have been some hellacious one's).  I love and adore my kids more than I ever thought imaginable.  I also love and appreciate that I have the privilege and opportunity to be a stay at home mom.  I am so grateful that Kris works hard so I am able to stay home with the kids but with his job in Sales comes odd hours and a 6 day work week.  So, most of the time it is just me and the kids.  I am so worn out.  Physically, emotionally and mentally.  I feel like I have nothing left in me most of the time.  Certainly nothing positive to offer my children.  I feel like a zombie just trying to get through the day.  I find myself wanting to fall asleep while I play with Andrew and losing my patience at ridiculous things then feeling like a horrible mother afterwards.  I have taken to counting down the hours to bedtime rather than just enjoying my babies.  I am so overwhelmed and I hate this.  I love being a Mom so why don't I love it right now?  This is not me.  I don't feel like me.  What is "me" anyway?  I'm not sure anymore, really.  Everything in my life revolves around my children, and I am alright with this for the most part.  And, while yes, this is the life I chose,  I miss "me".  Being a stay at home mom is my "job".  The most important job I will ever have.  This job has immeasurable perks and rewards.  This job has better benefits than any company out there.  This job, unlike any other, gives you more in return than you ever put in.  This job pays more than any other, just in a different currency.  Hugs and kisses are worth more than any amount of money there is.  But, with all of these perks there is a negative.  The hours.  While most jobs out there offer sick time, days off, and 8 hour shifts, this job doesn't. This job is a 24 hour a day/7 day a week job.  I don't get a day off, or to stay in bed if I don't feel well.  While I haven't for a second regretted my decision to take on this job,  I do miss having a day (or even a few hours) off.  I miss going places alone.  I miss my friends and Girl's Night Out.  I miss my family and just packing up the car to spend the weekend with my Dad.  I just miss life.  Mom's Night Out is coming up.  I probably won't make it..... again.  My precious curly haired niece is having her first dance recital.  I will probably miss it.  My youngest brother is graduating from high school.  I really want to be there.   I am just sad.   There's got to be a balance.  I need balance. So, as summer approaches I am hopeful that I will find some sort of balance and once again be able to love being a Mom.

I will leave you with some photos from our Memorial Day at my mom's.

Have a great week everyone!
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